Sunday, 28 November 2010

Snow Days

The reality is of course that most people who work don't really want to do it - that's why we get paid to be there. However, society demands that we all pretend otherwise. Normally, we can all chunter along fine, like a bad marriage, gritting our teeth, ignoring the obvious, going on nights out, occasionally having sex...and then it snows and we all stop pretending.

Personally, I think it's quite straightforward; it generally snows in winter when it's dark and cold, and like many other animals at this time of year, we should be hibernating - why would we want to work? In the dusty unused neural centres of our primitive consciousness, part of us knows it's wrong. I'm winging it though, I can't really find any scientific basis for that theory, other than this.

So its winter, we're cold and tired, we would rather be asleep, little wonder then that from the moment the first moment we see a snowflake, we're collectively working out how this can get us an early finish or a whole day off. At first, it always seems so promising; a blizzard, roads are impassable, no grit...it's a whiteout...there is no way we can make it out in that. Then the snow thins, cars drive up the road, gritters and ploughs gradually turn up....but by then it's too late, because in our heads we've already decided we can't get to work...so we're not going. Now though, we have to excuse it to ourselves, we scour weather websites - "there's more snow on the way"...in a different part of the country but y'know. Or maybe our part of the town hasn't been gritted, it's a sidestreet - "they never come down here its a disgrace, what do I pay my council tax for" etc.

However, there is at least an honesty in this, a quiet dignity. Worse are those who struggle into work and then spend all day not working, looking out the window worrying if it's going to snow again and checking the ambient temperature of the building to see if it's legal to be there. Just stay at home. You are lying to yourself and your dishonesty soils us all.

Or perhaps you are at the other end of the scale, and when the Met Office warns us that we should only drive if we really need to, we assume that excludes us. Most of us don't want to face the crushing truth that our jobs really aren't all that important. Snow can challenge your sense of self worth. "Got to get in...if I don't, people will realise I'm largely unnecessary."

In the cold white light of the snow, we are all of us revealed and found sadly lacking.

Still...snowball fight!

Saturday, 27 November 2010

Past Inglories

Like one of those horrible "found footage" handycam films like Blair Witch or Cloverfield, a pre Christmas clear out in my loft uncovered a terrifying nightmare. And like in "Ring" I'm sharing it with you to spread the pain and get some closure...

For twenty years now, I have enjoyed dabbling with comedy both as a stand-up and a scriptwriter. For a whole afternoon in the early nineties, it actually looked like I might be able to make a career out of it. But only the sort of career that doesnt provide any kind of living wage. 

Anyhow...when up my loft, I found a recording of myself and my good mate and comedy partner Ray Mitchell performing. I dont miss stand-up all that often, but I do miss Ray...for your questionable viewing pleasure...here we are...



With stand up, I've always quite enjoyed the fact that people are very surprised when they find out I used to do it; however this is partly based on the false premise that stand-up is a hard thing to do. Being a good stand-up is a hard thing to do...but  I was only ever average and so it was actually a piece of bun. One thing I did have going for me though was novelty value, I first started doing stand up in clubs when I was fifteen years old...this perhaps explains my subsequent exam results. However I was quite literally gobsmacked last week, when someone sent me a wee link. STV have been uploading all their old TV programmes, and in the early 90s, I was filmed for a programme called The Funny Farm and it is now on youtube. If you didnt like the first clip, I really wouldnt bother with this,  its basically me doing my best impression of Woody Allen (obviously before Woody Allen would have been considered an inappropriate role model).

Time, time is unkind and retrospectively the funniest thing about these clips is quite possibly my haircut or massive comedy glasses...but I definetly did have a laugh at the time. Every comedy club has open mic spots for people to go up and have a shot...you owe it to yourself to give it a go at least once. You'll probably die horribly and feel awful about yourself...but that will instantly put all your many other problems into perspective.

Saturday, 20 November 2010

/ comedy

Over at STV.com theres a new sketch being published online every day...just the ticket for cheering ye up in the cold, dark endless November.

Huv a wee look.

Something there for everyone.

There's a playlist of everything so far on youtube

I've written a couple of em..also on youtube


Inappropriate Dame 1
Inappropriate Dame 2

Sunday, 7 November 2010

Sandstone Sunset

Here are lovers
Burned against
The sinking
Shredded sun,
Their shadows
Cracked as statuettes
And fractured
Into one.
In broken
Whispers words are
Washing
Endlessly ashore,
Their laughter
Echoes emptily
“Forever.”
Then no more.


Hey...how cool is this, a band made up of folk from my work have turned this poem into a song, go check out Ard Amas.